tearin it up

in my twenties i tend to gravitate towards things boys did when they were 10. i set gum wrappers on fire, steal candies from the tubs in the supermarket, learn how to skateboard. i'm convinced it's rooted somewhere in the fact that i have a man's first name as my last name--there is a latent tomboy peeping out of my breasts and easy smile. i spent last week in baggy pants bragging about the flex of my deck.

i'm coming to accept this pattern of being on the tail end of the bell curve, the last girl to grow boobs, the one who tried out for the dance troop three times before getting in on the grounds that she would only choreograph and not actually dance. at 25 i'm finally a skateboarder. and i've developed a profound respect for all the burnouts that hang out by the ramps and grind their egos on the metal railings until sunset, judging their entire day by whether they could flip the wooden board over with a flick of their feet. they drag their piece of punk across the ground rules, and to the naked eye they look confused--like they don't give a shit about anything, and yet would give everything up for that. but to a new convert, they're genius. they are raw grace. sweating, but fluid. panting but paced. they know. the natural tendency to tense up and contract muscles to control the direction, the speed, is totally counter-productive. the tendency to dominate is self-defeating. the trick is surrender. and only humility will allow you to see that.

which comes pretty fast when you hit a "lip" (some husky men might say "crack"), and bail into a palm tree. and a six year old boy brings back your board with a wink, and says, hey babe, i'll show you some moves. his dad laughs as you pick grass from the slice on your elbow, and they go eat pizza while you try to find the laundry quarters that flew out of your pocket. you notice that the man dressed in a black trenchcoat with a skull painted on the back has already collected them and put them in his donations can, next to his sign asking for spare bullets. you find the rest of the coins and drop them in. and you say, maybe you wouldnt be so depressed if you learned how to skateboard. and he says, no, i've grown out of that phase, i used to do it when i was 10. and you are humbled again.