to the debtriment

it was a drizzle-fuzzed morning looking out from the second story on Shop Street. men in full-bellied sweaters and saggy jeans walked up and down with a newspaper loose in their left hands. i had one too, but it didnt hang the same way. the day was grey with rain and routine for these guys. but not for me. i'd be hard-pressed to recall any two days the same since march. and that's my version of routine i suppose. sometimes it's no way to live.

when i opened the paper it was just ink to my eye, couldnt focus the least bit. there was a tug taking over, and it forced me further into my own head, even farther from the rest of the world. i hadnt lost the company's money, didnt dent the rental van, i hadnt stood anyone up or shut anybody down. my list of things to do was long but not hard. but it seized me, a sense of helplessness--it backed me into making another list of things to do, and then another one for after i completed the first, knowing i'd have selectively forgotten what i really didn't want to do. it made me doubt, and it made my doubt seem certain. call these people today or never talk again. use your minutes, mind your time, you'll not have any more for a month.

so i tried, and then i got the voice: "your call credit is running low, please check your balance and top-up, and try your call later."
i chucked the phone on the table and watched it bounce off, hoping it hurt itself.

and then like a kid, i pouted and stormed. a blatent act of rebellion, against god only knows who, i ran straight away to the phone shop and piled on 30 Euros. and then blew it all in one shot. the hurry of the dial, the unexpected answer, the ping-pong of news and will-dos, the pressure of timely consideration, and the sudden cut-off--the whole thing of it strung me out.
there i was left with no credit again, the words left unused still bunched up in my cheeks, ready. i went to the cafe and sat back down, and all i could do was hope a good cup of tea would wash out the words and some day send them back to me. when i have credit.